when i was younger my feelings weren't acknowledged or even mattered for that fact. if i was to show any type of emotion or try to explain myself i was beat. and when i say that i cant even count anymore how many times i was punched in the face by my own father. or when he beat me so hard with his hand to were it hurt him so he would grab his belt and beat me harder to were i had to sleep on my stomach for a week. i remember one time i tried to run away and he tackled me down in the yard and dragged me back to the house and beat me to were my own stepmom was crying and begging him to stop. every day he found a reason to hit me. i always knew he didn't want me because he made it very clear. he had me when he was seventeen and my mom was eighteen. they never worked out because he was abusive and from her past trauma it was too much for her and she turned to drugs and at the age of seven i was taken from my mom and into my dad's custody where my worst hell began. i cant recall my age but i can recall the event clear as day. i was young i know that and i remember i was wear bib overalls with a Disney character shirt under it and i had my hair in pig tails. my aunt's boyfriend at the time was staying with her in the house where i lived. i knew that there wasn't something wrong about him and that day i found out what it was. i was laying in the room watching a movie with him behind me and my cousin was laying on the floor. i remember him grabbing my hand and making me feel his dick and it was all wet and sticky and i didn't know what it was and i was nervous. i didn't say anything as he made me stroke him and he unbuckled my overalls and stuck his hands in my vagina and started to rub my clit and stick his fingers inside one me i remember him pulling my pants all the way down and him rubbing his dick against my back as he kept his hand on me and his other hand on my hand stroking his dick. after that i don't remember what happened all i remember was getting told dinner was done and i know when it started the movie just started and when dinner was done the movie credits were going. but that wasn't the last time it happened from the age nine to the age twelve i was sexually assaulted by my own grandmother's boyfriend. i would be playing with babydolls and he would come up behind me and tell me i can give you a real baby and would lock the door pull my pants down and eat me out he would have me ride him till he got off. and tell me i was a good girl and he would always tell me i couldn't tell anyone because i would get in trouble and he would take me swimming and take me out to eat all the time and give me money anytime i needed it. he kept doing it till i started my period he would randomly come up to me and eat me out every day that i was there even multiple times a day to were i became addicted to sex and we did it a lot to the point i craved it and once he found out i was having sex with other people when i turned sixteen i could tell he was mad and that he didn't like that because of the looks he would give me. i never told anyone because i felt guilty and i knew no one would believe me anyway because they all thought i was a troubled kid with issues and had a lying problem when in reality i was screaming for help and no one saved me no one was there for me instead they pushed me out and i became the black sheep of the family. and this all happened before i was even thirteen my childhood was stripped from me and then i was beat every day till i turned sixteen and my father kicked me out of his house and i never looked back. every time i look at my whole family all i see is the trauma i endured that no one saved me from and i cant forgive them for them but i have to forgive them for myself to be able to hear. i just want to be heard and this is the first time i speak my truth even if its anonymous at least i am getting it off my chest because holding something in like this for so long truthfully kills you from the inside out and breaks you down more and more every minute of the day. to this day i am still trying to heal and overcome the things i still don't talk about but today is the day i start to open up because i deserve the closer even if i give it to myself. i am healing and learning to love myself even if no one else can see it i have changed so much in the years that have passed and became and becoming a better person because i deserve it.
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