horny and bipolar thoughts

 why is it even if i have a boyfriend i will have thoughts of other people fucking me or doing nasty things to me? no i dont act on these thoughts even though sometimes i want to i just dont see the point in cheating. i want to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend but idk who would be ok with it but then i just want to have friends that i can hang with and if i want to kiss up on them then i can and no strings attached why is that so much to ask for? is this normal to think like this all the time or is there something wrong with me like i have thought like this for as long as i can remember and i always fight the urges but sometimes i just want to cave in.

let the mind fuckery begin

 for the past three years i haven't been posting what i want or barley saying what i want because i have a stalker and now she has brought 3 of her druggie friends in to watch me as well like come the fuck on and grow the fuck up you pathetic ass bitches. so now i am going to play mind games with them they keep looing at every post i make so i made a post saying i am deleting my social media and made a new one and to hmu to get a new one and in reality i haven't and wont be deleting my stuff i am going to block them and i am going to make all my stuff private so they cant see any of it because they dont know what they just started because im the head bitch in mind fuckery you might be crazy but i am smart as fuck and crazy and you cant beat that you goofy ass bitch so let the games begin and the fact that you wanted to start this again on a double moon oh Hunny how stupid could you be because i have the moon gods on my side and we are preparing to destroy your world don't ever under estimate me i might now show you a reaction but in the background i am working on your worst destruction you will never be able to be me so you need to stop trying because it will ne ver happen you are miserable and surround yourself with miserable ass people like you could never be on my level even on your best day you will always be 10 feet under me i dont like to sound like this but i am better than you and always will be i dont put drugs before my kids or a man and for that you could never be me so step down and find someone else to try and stalk and fuck with because you are wasting your time hoe.

i think she wants me at this point

for the past three years now i have been dealing with this girl who is dating my kids sperm donor. she has showed more interested in me than my baby daddy has to his own kids. she has gone out of her way to not only stalk me on social media but she stalks my family my boyfriend even people on my social media who comment on something i post. ive blocked at least ten of her accounts and that wasnt even the one including where she made a fake account using mine and my daughters middle names for the name on the profile. i figure if i kept blocking her and not responding she would go away. well did i think wrong this bitch started to have her friends start stalling me and harassing me. she would make up stories that weren't even true. like saying she tried to fight me and i ran away when in fact i called her out face to face and she just stood there doing nothing. i don't want to fight her over my baby daddy because truthfully she is his karma and i think its funny they deserve each other but i want to fight her for her stalking me and talking down on me and making up crazy stories to tarnish my reputation. like saying i opened up cards in their names when i never did and then saying i spent all the money and this and that when i never did a thing because why would i need to when i work. so i ignore her. then she finds my number not once but three different times so i had to change my number because she would message me every day sometimes multiple times a day on different fake numbers just saying crazy off the wall shit that would truly make me laugh threating to reopen a court case that has nothing to do with her and she is slow because the case was never closed so for her to say reopen made me giggle because i knew she didn't have a clue on what she was talking about and she was talking out her ass... but that isnt even the worst she has told me she knows where i live and she is coming for me yet she never shows up when i tell her she can get her ass beat but she never shows up just talks shit over the internet. and every time i post anything it never takes more than five minutes for her friends to view my post and then one minute later here she comes to view it never a day goes by that she doesnt view everything i post on social media yet she says im the stalker who is obsessed with her. like come on now hun i have you blocked i don't respond to you because even your family says you cant believe anything she says because she even faked a whole pregnancy saying she was pregnant with twins and had her whole family believing it and gave her a baby shower all for it to be all made up in her head. she is quit delusional and needs mental help.. i honestly think that she is fixated on me and is stuck with stalking me one because she is insecure and two because she is a drug addicted and ive been told by many people that when someone is a crack and coke head like they are they can get hyper fixated on one thing or person and it will tend to consume every free moment of their lives. and i truly believe that she is fixed on me in such an unhealthy manner to the point i want to tell her damn bitch if you wanna eat my pussy just tell me cause this stalking shit isnt healthy and is a big charge and prison time with everything youve said and threatened but she will never learn and continue to do this till she is probably dead and yes it is draining but i will just let karma do her work because they have whats coming to them ten folds that she does to me.

just a thought

have you ever just sat there and wondered what it would be like to live in a different world with a different life plot? like i read a lot of books and it always makes me wonder like what if these place are actually real somewhere just waiting to be discovered again and we think we are only using our imagination when in reality we are actually pulling these memories from past lives because they are trying to wake us back up to reality? like what if its all true with witches and werewolf's and vampires and everything they ever said was just made up? i think its not made up and that people aren't opening their eyes and are covered by a shield that is blinding them from who and what everything is around them. 

NO must not me NO

 it always seems to be a debate on when someone says NO do they really mean it.... this has been going on for generations all over the world where women fear for their lives because when they tell certain "men" no they don't take it as no and more as a challenge. they act like its a game they are going to win no matter what even if the girl says no. this could be from sex to a hug, to a text. it could be literally anything, and it seems like the ones who don't take NO as an answer are the ones who think they cant be stopped even by the law.. and lets be real the law anymore doesn't help they just make it easier for the perp to get away with acting unmorally. 

    so what does a girl have to do now a days? we change our numbers we sometimes even move. sometimes we have to even quit our jobs or get on another shift. other times we have carry a gun, pepper spray, knives, safety keychains to the point were most women don't even want to leave their homes. we shouldn't have to go to such extreme levels to protect ourselves after we already said no. 

    social media doesn't make it any better though. yes you can go and delete someone but doesn't mean they cant still message you, so you go to block them and think ok now i will be at peace.. hahaha jokes on you because they just added you on another one of just many profiles they have. so now you have to worry every day about being stalked and worrying if one of these random accounts are theirs or their friends and family stalking you for them not realizing how much stress they are putting on you all because you told someone no

    it is sad to say but it is easier to just to leave one of there accounts unblocked so they can stalk without thinking you know when you really do know and you just keep a paper trail so you can finally do something about it.

a glimpse of the past (trigger warning very detailed and about sa)

 when i was younger my feelings weren't acknowledged or even mattered for that fact. if i was to show any type of emotion or try to explain myself i was beat. and when i say that i cant even count anymore how many times i was punched in the face by my own father. or when he beat me so hard with his hand to were it hurt him so he would grab his belt and beat me harder to were i had to sleep on my stomach for a week. i remember one time i tried to run away and he tackled me down in the yard and dragged me back to the house and beat me to were my own stepmom was crying and begging him to stop. every day he found a reason to hit me. i always knew he didn't want me because he made it very clear. he had me when he was seventeen and my mom was eighteen. they never worked out because he was abusive and from her past trauma it was too much for her and she turned to drugs and at the age of seven i was taken from my mom and into my dad's custody where my worst hell began. i cant recall my age but i can recall the event clear as day. i was young i know that and i remember i was wear bib overalls with a Disney character shirt under it and i had my hair in pig tails. my aunt's boyfriend at the time was staying with her in the house where i lived. i knew that there wasn't something wrong about him and that day i  found out what it was. i was laying in the room watching a movie with him behind me and my cousin was laying on the floor. i remember him grabbing my hand and making me feel his dick and it was all wet and sticky and i didn't know what it was and i was nervous. i didn't say anything as he made me stroke him and he unbuckled my overalls and stuck his hands in my vagina and started to rub my clit and stick his fingers inside one me i remember him pulling my pants all the way down and him rubbing his dick against my back as he kept his hand on me and his other hand on my hand stroking his dick. after that i don't remember what happened all i remember was getting told dinner was done and i know when it started the movie just started and when dinner was done the movie credits were going. but that wasn't the last time it happened from the age nine to the age twelve i was sexually assaulted by my own grandmother's boyfriend. i would be playing with babydolls and he would come up behind me and tell me i can give you a real baby and would lock the door pull my pants down and eat me out he would have me ride him till he got off. and tell me i was a good girl and he would always tell me i couldn't tell anyone because i would get in trouble and he would take me swimming and take me out to eat all the time and give me money anytime i needed it. he kept doing it till i started my period he would randomly come up to me and eat me out every day that i was there even multiple times a day to were i became addicted to sex and we did it a lot to the point i craved it and once he found out i was having sex with other people when i turned sixteen i could tell he was mad and that he didn't like that because of the looks he would give me. i never told anyone because i felt guilty and i knew no one would believe me anyway because they all thought i was a troubled kid with issues and had a lying problem when in reality i was screaming for help and no one saved me no one was there for me instead they pushed me out and i became the black sheep of the family. and this all happened before i was even thirteen my childhood was stripped from me and then i was beat every day till i turned sixteen and my father kicked me out of his house and i never looked back. every time i look at my whole family all i see is the trauma i endured that no one saved me from and i cant forgive them for them but i have to forgive them for myself to be able to hear. i just want to be heard and this is the first time i speak my truth even if its anonymous at least i am getting it off my chest because holding something in like this for so long truthfully kills you from the inside out and breaks you down more and more every minute of the day. to this day i am still trying to heal and overcome the things i still don't talk about but today is the day i start to open up because i deserve the closer even if i give it to myself. i am healing and learning to love myself even if no one else can see it i have changed so much in the years that have passed and became and becoming a better person because i deserve it.

playing with fear

 have you ever made friends with someone and only reason you stayed friends was because you used their fears against them? no.. are you sure you haven't? really sit there and think real hard about it. because i bet you that you have and you haven't even realized it .. we all have truthfully one way or another just some people are aware they are doing it while others are blindly doing it. you always see in movies how the bad guys us a trauma bond to make the people stay with them because they themselves are afraid of being alone. so they use the other persons fears and torcher them till they don't need them anymore and they find their next victim... i have a friend just like this and even when you tell them how they are acting they act like you are in the wrong for telling them they are being a bad person. they try to make you feel bad for calling them out on their actions because they never take responsibility and try to blame me for how they feel once i tell them i am not ok with the way you are treating or talking to me. they begin to start to gaslight and try to act all types of crazy and put on a show and make post on social media directed towards me but wont tag me in them and its threats clear as day and they laugh at it as its a joke that the way they are acting is not acceptable and trying to make me feel crazy in the long run. but that's not even the worst part they will post threats and all types of crazy post and that same day message me as if they did nothing wrong and i was just making it all up in my head which is scaring that they are that disconnected with reality that they think that can do that and i would still want to be their friend it is mind boggling because if they were really my friend than my feelings would have been taken in consideration and they never were from the .beginning it was always about them and that's how it only could be. they would even go as far as threating people who wanted to be my friend all because they didn't want to share my attention to where even if i was to get a message from someone else they would make a big deal about it and start saying uncalled for things about me that weren't even true and start making stuff up in their head and trying to force them to be true and trying to force me to agree they are true when infact they are far from the truth.. i could never tell if they were just that fucked up in the head or if something else was going on to where they wanted me all to themselves and no one else could even talk to me it was sickening to say the least and very draining because they could have other friends but i better not think about it otherwise it's like their crazy side showed to were you didn't know if you were even safe for your life because that's how insane this person would act and even when i would try to stop being their friend it would tend to get worst don't ask me how because i don't know all i know is it got even more toxic and i feel like it will never end because they don't care when i say we aren't friends anymore they laugh at me like i just told the best joke they ever heard in their lives.... i feel like i will never be able to be free from this person no matter the extent i would go they wouldn't care and would still continue to make my life a living hell 

homeschooling

 i have decided that i am going to be homeschooling my kids this year. this will be the last month will be their last month in regular school. the school system we have now is so fucked up and they are failing our kids more than they are helping them and even the teachers will tell you that as well. which is sad as hell because you would think they are getting a good education, and they aren't.         

    my family is against me when i have brought it up in the past and they told me i would be failing my kids and i would make them be the weird kids and all that and had nothing but all negative shit to say to me and it really got into my head and i kept my kids in school when i knew i didn't want to and i went against my gut feeling all because i kept never hearing the ending of how i would be making a bad choice so i decided to do what i wanted to do in the first place and just not tell them because at the end of the day they are my kids and what i pick to do for them in their lives is totally up to me. im tired of letting my family control me and dictate everything i do in life all because they don't think what i am doing is right even though what they have done wasn't right either they still did it. im tired of my family always looking down on me so therefore i won't be telling them about the kids being homeschooled because it isn't their business. i feel like my kids will grow and become amazing humans that they are already starting to become and i think that homeschooling for us is safer in the long run and will be more helpful since i know how my kids learn and there won't be 20 more kids trying to get attention to get help or distracting my kids from their learning because others can't control themselves. also let's not forget that 8 to 10 hours a day of school is just way too much for their little minds i don't understand why they try to push for such long days when homeschooling is literally only mandatory for up to 5 hours max that's it so why do public schools go for so long?? its overload for their minds and they tend to forget 95 percent of what they learn in that one day.

setting boundaries

 i like to help everyone the best that i can... and i know the few people that i do tend to help they are grateful for it but lately its been feelings like more of a chore than anything... it's to the point anymore that the person doesn't even ask me if i can help they just automatically assume that i will drop everything and help them. like i get it you need help with something but that doesn't mean you just demand it.. i want to stop helping because i feel disrespected but i know if i stop helping them like they want then i will be the one who is the bad guy which sucks because it's like you can't just message me and tell me i am going to be doing something or you and then not even ask if i can do it.. like yeah you beat around the bush asking my plans and things like that but even when i tell you it's like you could care less and start making plans over what i have already made. and it lowkey pisses me off to the extreme because how can you be so inconsiderate of others when you are wanting to just use them for one a place to go or two a ride somewhere it gets to the point where people don't even want to bother to help because it isn't even helping them anymore. so, from now on i am done helping people because no one seems to help me when i am in need its always i can see what i can do or i don't know i am not feeling the best. it is always some type of excuse when i am in need and i am truly over it because why you got to be a stuck up bitch and think it should always be about you and when it comes to you you want people to jump for you but when someone needs something for you you take your time because you don't care. and truthfully helping you drains me because I've never in my life have seen someone with so little motive to want to help themselves instead you use all your energy on making excuses instead of stop depending on others to figure out your life... you wont always have someone to help you because at this point you are more worthless than the people who stand on the corner begging for help and money because at least they are out doing something. 

shitty friendships

why do i feel guilty when i want to stop being someone's friend? why do i feel like i need to keep being their friend when it drains me emotionally and mentally and physically.... why cant i just say fuck you. you are so toxic for me and you actually make me digress in my healing journey than you think. im tired of you thinking you are the only one helping me when in reality you dont help me at all you make things worst for me and more stressful than needs be. but when i try to not be your friend you start to because someone who is so obsessed with knowing my every movement because you cant get in touch with me. to where is makes me sick to my stomach that someone can act the way you do and see no wrong in it.. you say you understand but when i am trying to set boundaries you act like it is a joke and it makes me hate being your friend even more. and its not that i feel guilty not wanting to be your friend its more of a fear of what you might try to do or how you will act out once i fully block you out of my life i know you are never truly gone. you will go out of your way to stalk me on fake accounts you go out of your way to make up stories to people so they will start to stalk me for you not knowing that your actions are the main reason i am hiding from you and blocked you from everything.. you will make people feel sorry for you but it was all just a plan you have made up.. you play as you are dumb and dont understand when you are full aware that you could legit get arrested for the things that you have done and then think you can get away with it by forcing me to be your friend or you will start to act insane... you have admitted to stalking me and being obsessed with me and when i block you on everything you still make  up new fake accounts to try and message me to the point to where i have called the police to report you even if haven't done anything physically it doesn't mean you aren't capable of it because at this point you have created a lot of stories in your head that aren't even true that's why you try and act like you are my boyfriend when you know i have one and i have told you time and time again that i am not interested in you but you don't take no as an answer and people like you should be locked up... people like you aren't a good friend you are a predator who has an unhealthy obsession with me to where I've changed my number because of you and even moved without telling you my apartment all because you are overly weird and everyone sees it and says it for fuck sakes even your own family calls you out on it and its sickening that you just laugh at the fact you torture me and flare my ptsd you are sickening and need mental help.... i no longer want to be your friend and i will no longer let you make me feel bad or scared to not be your friend. p.s. i fucking hate you