What’s your worth?

Have you ever questioned your worth. Not just to people but in life. Do you ever feel like your just not good enough to love anymore? I question my worst multiple times a day. I ask myself why do I even try anymore. I’m not good enough to be here or even be in anyone’s life. No one would care if I disappeared. The sad thing is I proved to myself that I was right. No one cared when all the sudden I was gone I up and left. It’s been five months and still no one cares to ask me where I went how I am doing or anything like that. If anyone talks to me it’s because I messaged them first. I never get the messages first. I never got asked to hangout or go do anything I was the one always left out. So why do I put myself through the misery of trying to get someone to care for me like I’ve cared for so many. It’s hard to think about but deep down I know I mean nothing to no one and it’s sad to think of but I’m use to it. I’ve always been use to it since I was little. I’ll never be accepted by anyone. But why? Why me? All I’ve ever asked for my whole life is to be apart of “my family” yet my family could give a shit if I went off the face of the earth because they never wanted me to be in their lives just like I don’t want to even be in my life. All because I question my worth everyday has made me a miserable person who is always depressed and questioning if I should live or die. Because my family has never showed they care about me I stopped caring about myself I’ve stopped loving myself. 

The herb yay or nah

Let’s talk about weed,pot,Mary Jane. You get it right? Everyone has their own opinion on this topic. A lot of the people that talk on this topic you always see it on Facebook, Twitter etc. well let me just say this a lot of them people are illiterate on weed and everything that has to do with it. Now I’m not saying everyone person but you have those people that “weed will kill you” “he overdose on weed and died” like come on now the only thing that might happen if you smoke to much is either your real hungry or you sleep. Some people do have a little paranoia it’s different for everyone. But I can reassure you that NO ONE has ever overdosed smoking to much weed or eating it.  “smoked widely in Western countries for more than four decades, there have been no reported cases of lung cancer or emphysema attributed to marijuana.” Everyone talks down on weed but no one talks about all the help that it is doing to more than just cancer patents. Say you have an earring disorder well smoking some strains of weed will actual make you have an appetite. For some people they are like big deal weed makes you hungry. But for those out there that are struggling with eating it’s one of the best things for them. You also have your smokers who have had countless surgery’s and the pain medicine isn’t doing nothing but making them addicted to a drug that they can actually     Over dose on. Let’s not forget some strains off weed can help people who can’t sleep. It works wonderful just a little before bed and your body relaxes and you get a good rest. Then you have people like me. I have depression and anxiety extremely bad. I don’t even like to go into the store because I start to panic for no reason. And because of that I stayed home all the time and ended up getting really depressed well weed has helped me so much just do everyday simple task and feeling ok enough to go grocery shopping and be fine. Before I would probably laugh at you and say ya right! Then there are people you have that make pot a bad name because they sit around and smoke all day and do nothing that’s your straight up pot heads who can’t be anything done. I think weed is good if you know how to pace yourself and on smoke in moderation.

What are friends?

Friends... well everyone wants friends. Don’t we? For some reason we think we can’t have a normal life unless we have friends that we talk to every waking moment. Then there are some people who don’t even care to have friends or talk to anyone. Then there is me.. I’m in the middle on one hand I want friends, but then on the other hand I hate talking to new people. Well at first anyway I hate it but then you can’t get me to shut up let’s be real. But the real question is how can you really tell when your friend is true and really a friend. I’ve had so many “friends” use me and walk all over me. I try to spot them out before it happens but I guess with my nice ness they just walk all over me.. it’s kinda depressing because I wish I could just find that one true friend who just comes over to hangout and not gossip behind my bad. Most of all I want a friend who isn’t going to steal from me and talk shit about me behind my back when all I am doing is talking great about you and making myself look like a fool. Why is this world so fucked up anymore? 

Tiny travlers

Traveling with a toddler. Doesn’t that just sound like a lot of fun? Haha sometimes it can be all fine and dandy. Then other times it’s like you want to rip your hair out of your head because they either want something to drink the right movie isn’t on. Oh let’s not forget they don’t want to be in their car seats and throw down when they are in them. Doesn’t this just sound so lovely? And we do this ourselves why? To go see family that could always travel to us? To go see friends who could always come see us? Ya we travel because we love to see new things and do new things! I just wish there was another way to travel to not make our lives horrible in the process of going to do something fun? Wouldn’t us moms love that and even the dads! You would think they would come up with some new technology to help toddlers not get so bored and restless in the car! I can only dream.. so till that happens I guess we better just learn how to make it fun ourselves!  

Family drama 🤯

Have you ever had family that hated your spouse?? Well if you have joint the club! I don’t understand why but my whole family hates my spouse because he got me pregnant and we moved and we are living our lives. I feel like they are so hateful because he moved me away from all the stress and drama and now they can’t control my life. My family I tell you if it doesn’t go how they want it to then good luck to you because they will make you hate yourself and make yourself feel as low as possible just so they can control you. I’ve always fought with my family because of this. They don’t see anything wrong with how they talk to people and how they belittle them. It’s quite disgusting in all honesty! Why would you want to treat your own family like shit and make them feel not good enough. I will never understand that. Yet I’m the bad guy in this whole situation because I moved and won’t let them talk to me however they want. If you have a family that is toxic it’s not you it’s them! They are the reason you are the way you are, and the best advise I can give you is get away from them now because it just gets worst. 

Choices...

Everyone has a choice in life. It just depends on the choice we decide to choice. A lot of us will pick the “no brained” choice. Then you have some who will pick the choice everyone’s scared of. What choice did you pick? Was it the right choice? Well I though I picked the right choice in life. The right choice to be everything and have everything I ever wanted. Well I was wrong. The choice I have picked has left me feeling alone, broken hearted, and stuck. Even though I have people around I still feel alone. I feel like they don’t understand me, and instead of trying to understand me they just write me off as somethings wrong with me. The only reason why something is wrong with me is because they never had enough patients to sit down and ask me what is going on. I’m broken hearted because I love with all I have and at the end of it all I’m the one sitting here looking at myself in the mirror telling myself I’m doing good, I’m happy, you got this. When should the person you love and is suppose to love you say these things to you? Isn’t your family and friends suppose to be there for you when your not strong enough to be there for yourself? Where’s my support team? Where’s my shoulder to cry on? I ask myself these questions too many times. It’s pretty upsetting when you’re the person that is always there for everyone else’s life falling down around them. You’re there to wipe their tears when they are sad. Your there when they need a shoulder to cry on, or even some advise. But wait... where is everyone when you need someone? No where right! That’s when I started opening my eyes and realizing these people didn’t care about me. These people only cared about themselves and their feelings. They only used me because they new I had a big heart and would do anything for them. So why couldn’t they do that for me?  I feel stuck in this world and it was all because I made a choice. I made the choices I though was right. Well I was sure wrong maybe next time I’ll know what choices to make.