i have been struggling like no other lately. ive noitced that i have been pushing people away and being mean to the people that have only been helping me. i also noticed that even touch makes me want to freak out and lose my shit. ive dyed and cut my hair gave myself a whole make over all because i was sad and i feel stuck and lost in a hell that is on repeat that i cant get out of... why cant i help myself??? why can i give everyone else the best advise but when it comes to myself listening to it i never do because for some reason my brain is like telling me i dont deserve to be happy and i dont deserve to have anything good happen to me. when i know that isnt true and im letting my trauma over power my brain and make it hard for me to even want to wake up in the morning. it makes it hard to even get the motivation to eat food anymore. i know that that isnt good but my boyfriend makes me eat at least dinner. ik that my stress and ptsd have been flarring up extremly bad to where i wake up in the middle of the night crying and freaking out to where it ruins my whole week. my ptsd is getting so bad to the point every night i am having nightmares and waking up in a panic attack becasue my nerves are on ten. its gotten to the point im throwing up because of the stress and all i wanna do is scream for help but its like when i do no one hears me and i am all alone all over again dealing with the trauams i onces pushed out my brain to help cope with life. and now it is coming back in tenfolds hurting me even more. i hate that it makes me self sabbotage myself because all i want is to be normal and not have to tell myself i am worth loving and i am worth being here and i have a purpose because lately its been hard finding that purpose.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "LET ME BE HAPPY" "I DESERVE IT"
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