to know when its time.

i met this girl when i was fifteen. i cant really remember how we actually met but i know one day we did and we clicked like we had known eachother our whole lives. for awhile we did everything together

. if you seen me than more than likely you would see her right next to me. we acted more like sister than friends and i would even call her mom "mom". to be fair she was like everyone's mom and she wasn't afraid to yell at you and tell you when you were fucking up. she always looked out for you and truthfully i think i stayed friends with emma as long as i did was because of her mom. emma and i would get into argument quiet often. it normally would be over little petty things because emma wasnt that good of a friend when she had more than one friend. 

    we would be perfectly fine and then she would start to go hangout with some girls that were both our friends and then some that where just her friends. i was ok with her hanging with other people because then it gave me time to go and spend time with my other friends, since she didnt like hanging out with my other friends but i had to hang with her and her friends even if i wasnt a big fan of them. right there i should of seen a red flag beause who can only have one friend at a time. it seemed that almost evetime she would go hang with her friends she would start to act different towards me and be short and have an attitude. i didnt pay it much mind because she had mood swings like no other. then one day one of her friends that she had gotten into an arguement with messages me and running her mouth asking what my problem is with her and saying we can handle it if need be. first off a bitch had some nerve to message me on some ruthless shit because i didnt have any care in the world and i went off on her for even messaging me running her moutht to me for no reason. well little to my suprise there was a reason my friend emma got into an arguement with her and then brought me in it without even telling me and trying to throw me under the bus. i wasnt about to let that happen. i made a group chat and put my friend on blast to see what was the deal and what was being said. the whole time my friend was sitting there running her mouth telling his girl that i wanted to fight her and all types of stuff when ive never even once talked about this girl barley even knew her name. once that group chat was made my friend got real quiet and could see everything that was being said and then tried to deny it so her friend she was arguing with sent all the screen shots and was like so what were you saying and i was like ohh shit and then my friend said sorry to bringing me in her drama and i should of seen the red flags there but i didnt instead i stayed friends with her after all her friends said she was two faced and fake as fuck...... p.s. i should of listened to them and saved myself like 15 years of a gaslighting bestfriend.

its ok... {trigger warnings}

its ok that you are scared to be around other people, when you have never felt safe around them before. its ok to tell someone NO. what's not ok is not listening to someone when they tell you no. its not ok to tells someone you will be ok it is just our little secret. 

    it started as any other day. i was outside playing waiting for my grandma to come pick me up from my house so i could go spend the weekend over at her house. i was about eight years old at the time. I didn't notice anything different or how the energy has changed in the house every time my grandma would leave me at her house alone with my step grandpa. i noticed that i was the only grandkid that he would take and do things with. we would go swimming, to the park, shopping, and out to breakfast every weekend. you wouldnt of thought anything of it because it looked any normal grandparent and grandkid together. but that was far from what was going on. once i turned 8 years old my step grandpa started to rape me. he would say slick things when i would be playing saying i can give you a baby, i know you like playing with you baby dolls... and then he would start to touch me pull my clothes off and eat me out he would make me ride him and touch him and he would always tell me that it was our secret and not to tell anyone because than i would be the one getting in trouble. so i never said anything and it went on till i turned 13 and started my period. he raped me for years. everytime i was there he did something to me and would always agree to have my grandma leave me there alone that he didnt have a problem with it.. of course not you sick fuck because you were getting your rocks off and the sad part about it was i think that my grandma knew and didnt say or do anything about it.. i am sparring the details on alot that happened but it seemed to only happen to me none of the other grandkids.... why me? what did i do so bad for me to have to get my inacents taken away by a montser

can someone save me from me

 i have been struggling like no other lately. ive noitced that i have been pushing people away and being mean to the people that have only been helping me. i also noticed that even touch makes me want to freak out and lose my shit. ive dyed and cut my hair gave myself a whole make over all because i was sad and i feel stuck and lost in a hell that is on repeat that i cant get out of... why cant i help myself??? why can i give everyone else the best advise but when it comes to myself listening to it i never do because for some reason my brain is like telling me i dont deserve to be happy and i dont deserve to have anything good happen to me. when i know that isnt true and im letting my trauma over power my brain and make it hard for me to even want to wake up in the morning. it makes it hard to even get the motivation to eat food anymore. i know that that isnt good but my boyfriend makes me eat at least dinner. ik that my stress and ptsd have been flarring up extremly bad to where i wake up in the middle of the night crying and freaking out to where it ruins my whole week. my ptsd is getting so bad to the point every night i am having nightmares and waking up in a panic attack becasue my nerves are on ten. its gotten to the point im throwing up because of the stress and all i wanna do is scream for help but its like when i do no one hears me and i am all alone all over again dealing with the trauams i onces pushed out my brain to help cope with life. and now it is coming back in tenfolds hurting me even more. i hate that it makes me self sabbotage myself because all i want is to be normal and not have to tell myself i am worth loving and i am worth being here and i have a purpose because lately its been hard finding that purpose.

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "LET ME BE HAPPY" "I DESERVE IT"