youtube

so for a long time now I have been wanting to make a youtube channel but I just don't have enough courage to do it and idk why. I wish I could just go and do a youtube video and be comfortable enough to post it but idk the first thing about starting a channel. I wanted to do a channel on me learning how to do makeup and other things in life even if I am messing them up or not because who really cares you know its life and we all mess up on things and if I can laugh about it and not care then I shouldn't care about posting something. I need to start doing things that I enjoy before life flys right past me and I am not doing something I love and want to do
I really might just make some videos and see how they are and what to do but I do need to get things to record before I do anything and I plan on doing that because I desrve to try and do something fun. its time for me to finally love myself and do what I want and start feeling good I am ready for a new start new beginning.

lost hope on changing my life and friends

sometimes I think I will never change. I always hate that everyone uses me yet I still try and help everyone with nothing in return. I always want things to change yet I don't have the heart to tell people no. because when I do I start to feel bad because they needed my help and I could of helped. but the truth is they just ask me because they know I cant say no. they walk all over me and use me because I am too nice. when I try and be mean to them and say no I feel bad and it sucks. I cant deal with it anymore I want to have friends for once who don't use me or take me for granted. its truly fucked up because I would do anything for them and yet they don't do anything for me and they don't even offer to help me when I am down. they don't try and talk to me when I need someone to vent to. it sucks that I know nothing is going to change like I would hope unless I change and stop hanging with them and letting them just use me. I say I am done but I don't think I will because I know that I will cave in and I will feel bad or they will make me feel bad. why do I do this to myself? I know I deserve better friends yet I still choose to be friends with the ones that I am friends with now and its like why.. why are you doing this to yourself when you deserve a better life and better friends. I deserve to have a friend who is truly happy for me when something good finally happens in my life. instead of someone not caring and faking their excitement for you and just saying cool when you tell them your good news. yet they want you to listen to every little detail about their lives when its always the same thing over and over again. their problems never change they just stay the same she sounds like a broken record but I guess in a way so do I. because all I keep wanting is to have new friends but the thing of it is im the only one who can change this. im the only one who is keeping myself from making new friends. and the truth of it is that I am afraid to talk to people and I don't like to change things or new things I am kinda stuck in an ok way of life and tried to get myself to be comfortable with what life has thrown at me and I really shouldn't be ok with how life is when I am unhappy. I want to change my life for the good and I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to and that's what I am going to try and do ive cut off people before I just need to cut them off and leave them in the past.

one min you want to be all buddy, buddy yet the next min you don't message me unless it has to deal with drama that youre starting or trying to start. I wish you new how pathetic you look. I wish you new how stupid you sound when you said "max" said you cant leave or cant go here or do that. I wish you would just listen to yourself when you tell me you cant go and do something with you kid because "max" will ruin all your stuff or beat you up. like why stay in something like that? I just wish you would get help because I feel like the only way you will ever end up out of this is dead and that is horrifying thinking about it. maybe it wont end up like that. maybe you will finally get out of the relationship for good maybe you will see that your worth more. but maybe you wont. no one can tell you what to do I get that but maybe if you would just open your eyes a little and notice the things that are going on isn't normal. I can only hope and pray that you get out safe and find true love and the love you deserve.

fake friends.

i don't understand a fake friend. like how can you sit there and vent about everything about your life, yet you cant take two minutes to even listen to what was going on in my life. why call me to tell me the same thing that happens every other day to you? why sit here and act like you could give two fucks about me or my life when you cant even listen to even my good news. youre fake that's why. you don't care about anyone but yourself. you always want to be in the center of all the attention no matter if you are playing the victim or if you are trying to gloat about something that happened in your life. you try and take steps forward to better your life and I support you and cheer you on one hundred percent. I was always by your side no matter what. I was the one that never missed a phone call text nothing. I tried to help you but yet when I did I was the bad guy. never your boyfriend who treated you like you were gum under his shoe. he abused you and threatened your life yet I was there to help you and yet when I told you to go to the cops or even report him you had millions of reasons not to. you finally left him and was turning back to your old self the happy girl I always new. then you take him back every time.. why? why do you do this to yourself?? because you want to die? because you like getting beat to get attention on facebook? because it isn't a cry for help because so many people try to help you yet you don't take the help you act fake and get mad and blame everyone else for everything that is happening to you. yet you are the one doing it to yourself. what do you think he is going to do to you when he finds out you fucked his friend? what are you waiting for till you are found dead the next time he puts his hands on you. yet you take him back after your free from him. you try and make everything sound like its something normal and its not normal its not one bit. its sad to think but I see me going to your funeral sooner than I should be going to it. and why should I go to it? you weren't a true friend to me yet I was one to you.. I don't think you really ever cared to be my  friend. you just cared about yourself and making sure you could talk about yourself to everyone and try and make them all feel sorry for you. I just wish you would see that you deserve a better life than you are giving yourself.