my unhealthy obsession.

 have you ever just laid there awake wondering what someone was doing? yes i know it is easy to follow people on social media, but have you ever wonder what they are actually doing behind the screens and the mask that they put on daily. or have you ever just fascinated over someone so much that they became your unhealthy obsession. there was this girl that i met on social media of all places. she was pretty cool and down to earth i decided to message her on a whim and hoped she would message me back. to my suprise she was sweet and kind and didnt judge me for anything that i told, so we became friends and i told her everything and because she didnt judge me i started to have a mir crush on her. knowing that it would never go anywhere because she has made it clear that we are friends quite often. i love being her friend but in my mind i can see us as so much more than friends only if i could get her to see it the same way. i would drop little hints here and there to see if she picked up n them. she never really would bring up my jestures but i could tell she new because of her facial expressions. you could tell anything i did for her she was greatful and always said thanks and i didnt need to keep giving her things. but thats just it i wanted to buy her everything, i wanted to give her everything, i wanted her to see that i could provide for her and she wouldnt haver to worry. yet for some reason she wont let me. i wont give up on her thought.

    its been six months now and i feel like i am making progress with her. we are on face time daily, even multiple times a day. she even will call me while she is at work just to vent about something that happened or just any drama or tea as she calls it. i always seem to chuckle a little every time she says do you have your tea glass ready. i listen to all types of things. anything really just to hear her voice i dont think she realizes the affect she has on me or maybe she does and im just blinded by her that i will let her use me in anyway possible because she has all the strings and im her puppet. i never would admit that to her but sometimes she gave me the vibes that she new. 

eight long months have gone by and i finally got the courage to ask her out on a date. she told me she was sorry but couldn't date me because she needed to focus on herself and her mental health and didn't want to feel like she was dragging someone down with her while she is figuring herself out in the process. i was heart broken to say the less. but when she looked at me and told me you are my bestfriend and will be here for the rest of my life why would i want to ruin that with some silly little relationship that would never last. but how would she know if it wouldnt last, she hasnt even given it a try. what was so wrong with me that she didnt even want to give it a try? i noitce she started to distance herself from me after i had asked her out and i understood that so i tried to give her her space, but it was hard for me. i caught myself going to all her social medias and looking to see if she posted anything new. i was always the first to comment or heart her things. she started to post less so i thought till i noticed she had blocked me. that is when i lost it how could she block me after everything i have gave to her and after i listened to her for hours. she needed me she was just acting like she didnt. 

i ended up making some fake accounts to watch her and see how she was doing since she didnt want to speak to me at the time i just sat back and watched for another six long months. she would end up finding my accounts i was using and i would have to make new ones she eventually went as far as blocking all my family and friends that she knew would help keep an eye on her for me. when i found out she did that it lit a rage inside of me like no other. why didnt she want me to see what she was doing? was she talking to someone else? if she was i would find out and make sure i put an end to it once and for all because she was meant to be with me and no one else. no one could treat her as she needed to be treated no one could take care of her like i did. 

its been its been eighteen months now and i am finally unblocked only to be freaked out on and threatened with the police for stalking. but i told her i was just worried about her and needed to know if she was ok because if i didn't know it would drive me mad and insane. she told me i needed help and that till i fix my shit that i can't speak to her anymore. i left it at that and didn't message her for another few weeks, but once i did i wouldn't of ever thought i would of read what she texted me. 

I've known my friend now for a little over two years and she has never brought up men before or anything like that to me i think she just tries to ignore the men topic but she is always asking me if i have found a girlfriend yet and i soon found out why. she has had a boyfriend for a good eight months or more and she hid it from me. how the fuck did she hide him when i seen everything she posted? i watched every single mintue to were for days i wouldnt even leave my study for days on end and here she is out being a whore with some random dude she barley even knows. how could she know that she wanted to be with him and that he was good for her? it was like she would give herself to anyone as long as it wasn't me.  

i have been hiding how i really feel about her having a boyfriend because i cant lose her. i already did once for six months and it damn near killed me inside. so i have been just waiting for him to mess up and her to push him to the side. its been over two years now since i have known her and one thing i can say about her is she doesnt keep a boyfriend very long. they either use her for her body, or her money and waste her time. she isnt going to find her perfect match because that is me. i just have to sit watch and wait for her to realize that i have been the one who has always been here for her. i tell her randomly that i am talking to a female just sto see her reactions. she always seems to be happy and tells me finally now dont run her off in a joking manner and i wonder if she is just saying that to hide her true feelings for me or if that is how she feels is ahppy that i am giving my attention to someone else or is she is jealous but just smiles to not show it because she is still dating the same guy. if you ask me i wouldnt of seen them lasting more than a month and they are about on their one year anniversary which is wild to me because i have planted so many little seeds in her head that she deserved better and that i spoiled her more than her own boyfriend and that i was always there for her. 

it must of not of sat well with him because she has started to talk to me less and now she has blocked me on some social media but i wonder if they realize im not blocked on everything and i can still see what sghe is doing and posting. this time i wont like any of her stuff though just so she doesnt see that i am still watching her like i always will watch her. because no matter how many times she tries to get away she will never get to far. i will always find her and watch her and wait for her.