youtube

so for a long time now I have been wanting to make a youtube channel but I just don't have enough courage to do it and idk why. I wish I could just go and do a youtube video and be comfortable enough to post it but idk the first thing about starting a channel. I wanted to do a channel on me learning how to do makeup and other things in life even if I am messing them up or not because who really cares you know its life and we all mess up on things and if I can laugh about it and not care then I shouldn't care about posting something. I need to start doing things that I enjoy before life flys right past me and I am not doing something I love and want to do
I really might just make some videos and see how they are and what to do but I do need to get things to record before I do anything and I plan on doing that because I desrve to try and do something fun. its time for me to finally love myself and do what I want and start feeling good I am ready for a new start new beginning.

lost hope on changing my life and friends

sometimes I think I will never change. I always hate that everyone uses me yet I still try and help everyone with nothing in return. I always want things to change yet I don't have the heart to tell people no. because when I do I start to feel bad because they needed my help and I could of helped. but the truth is they just ask me because they know I cant say no. they walk all over me and use me because I am too nice. when I try and be mean to them and say no I feel bad and it sucks. I cant deal with it anymore I want to have friends for once who don't use me or take me for granted. its truly fucked up because I would do anything for them and yet they don't do anything for me and they don't even offer to help me when I am down. they don't try and talk to me when I need someone to vent to. it sucks that I know nothing is going to change like I would hope unless I change and stop hanging with them and letting them just use me. I say I am done but I don't think I will because I know that I will cave in and I will feel bad or they will make me feel bad. why do I do this to myself? I know I deserve better friends yet I still choose to be friends with the ones that I am friends with now and its like why.. why are you doing this to yourself when you deserve a better life and better friends. I deserve to have a friend who is truly happy for me when something good finally happens in my life. instead of someone not caring and faking their excitement for you and just saying cool when you tell them your good news. yet they want you to listen to every little detail about their lives when its always the same thing over and over again. their problems never change they just stay the same she sounds like a broken record but I guess in a way so do I. because all I keep wanting is to have new friends but the thing of it is im the only one who can change this. im the only one who is keeping myself from making new friends. and the truth of it is that I am afraid to talk to people and I don't like to change things or new things I am kinda stuck in an ok way of life and tried to get myself to be comfortable with what life has thrown at me and I really shouldn't be ok with how life is when I am unhappy. I want to change my life for the good and I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to and that's what I am going to try and do ive cut off people before I just need to cut them off and leave them in the past.